Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She said her name was "party"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
