i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
