her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
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Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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