im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
