y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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