I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
