you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
