You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
