Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
