Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
