is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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