The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Less talking, more tequila
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
