when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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