i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
