I'm eating all of the evidence.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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