Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
