Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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