Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
