Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
