No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
