I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
