whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
