do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
