today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
