I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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