I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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