member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
