I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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