He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
