3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
