Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
