literally had 100 drinks last night.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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