4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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