I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
