theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
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I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
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The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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