so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
