We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
