Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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