420 ftw
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
