The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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