There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
