Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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