Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize