I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
