wanna go halves on a baby?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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