Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
