I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's never too late to be topless.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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