I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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