I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
