He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
