So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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