I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
