She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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