My Higher Power is John Stamos
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
