I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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