The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
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For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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