i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
