do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
