I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The air was thick with penises
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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