Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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